Fuck you Dolphin!!

I don’t need to say anything about this…it just speaks for itself.

Nas is a fucking scholar

Welp today is the day I’ve been waiting for my whole life. Distant fucking Relatives has come out! And it is the best thing to hit my non cutipped, earwax infested ears in years! Fuck the Celtics, fuck the Nucks (my new hockey squad), fuck getting a job..I am perfectly content with smoking cigars, wearing velvet pajamas and sitting by a fireplace while I listen to this album for the rest of my life. That is the perfect setup for this music. Nas is no longer a rapper, he is a fucking scholar. Dude has insight out of this world, talking about Egyptian mummies and shit, sifting through years of history, the circle of life, the Earth being flat. Where the fuck did this come from guy?!?! I feel like I’m reading a leatherbound book here. But no really, this album is everything I expected and more. I’m literally just jizzing in every which direction while you read this. If you don’t believe me listen to this song with the high pitched African person and the background flutes. You will either be shitting or jizzing yourself because you just can’t control your bodily functions while listening.

Did I mention how fucking awesome this album is?!!? Oh my Christ!

A New Year

Well folks, I did it. By protesting the shackled nature Distant Relatives found itself in has won me, and the entire blogging world, a great victory. I found out this information a few weeks ago but was too busy being best friends with Kevin Garnett and shit to post about it. So I waited until I was doing absolutely nothing until I got back on my grind here on the TT. Hey, a new year, and a new dedication. So this resolution to post frequently should last about a week until I’m MIA again. Appreciate it while you can. Distant Relatives is officially going to drop on March 16, 2010, and as I have stated earlier, it is going to be the greatest album in the history of mankind. Right now however, we can focus our attention to the new year. And on this very today came the passing of a legend. Bobby Bowden kicked his last piece of ass on the college football gridiron as his Seminoles put a beatin on the University of West Virginia. West Virginia was all ranked and shit at number 16 trying to swag all over the inspired Florida State squad, and Bobby Bo and company just weren’t having it. 14 straight years from 1987-2000 with a team ranked in the top 5 at seasons end. I almost shit my pants when I heard that. Respect the legend son! Bobby Bo!

Follow Me

In honor of the theme of boycotting things that matter in life until Distant Relatives comes out, I thought I would excuse one last post until we get to hear that wonderful music in all it’s glory. I encourage you all to follow me and boycott things that are crucial to your every day existence in order to attain this goal of bringing about this Van Gosh-esque masterpiece. Skip your job, stop fucking your wife, drop the horrible habits of eating and sleeping. Quit it all in the name of Nas and Damian. I told you… not until then would I let you hear my opinion on major life matters such as Cudi’s latest music. Now while that is true in regards to his album, I thought I would leave you all with this gem off of his demo tape entitled “Follow Me” (how fitting huh?). This song is the most wonderfully melancholy thing I’ve ever heard. I only post on songs that really capture my imagination and heart. Well, my heart twists in ways I didn’t know it could when I listen to this shit. I encourage you all to listen to this entire demo tape. I feel myself becoming emo by the minute with the way this fucker gets you down. This is so like me. Leave you with musical magic just so you keep coming back for more. Enjoy! See you all in 2 weeks at the drop of DR.

Hiatus begins

I suppose I owe you all an explanation for the extended absence of posts in the last month or so. Despite whatever popular belief may be, I have not stopped posting because I am “busy” with life and shit like that. The heart of a champion never goes soft. So in lieu of the fact that I have a job, am in the process of crafting my senior thesis as we speak, and also dedicate a good portion of my day to sculpting this exquisite body of mine, these are not legitimate reasons to just fall off the face of the earth like I have. The world is not flat, and we figured that shit out centuries ago. If people always just gave up on shit when life got tough, then the world would just be filled with a bunch of pussies (Africa doesn’t count because they don’t have food or condoms- they get a bye here). The real reason for my protest of posting, yes you heard me right- this is a formal protest, is due to the fact that the greatest album in the history of mankind has yet to be released.

News broke last April that Nas and Damian Marley were part of a collaborative effort that was going to change the very fibers of human nature. People were going to stop being assholes for a change, Africa was going to no longer be the lost continent, pigs would finally be able to fly, and a bunch of other cool shit. This album was supposed to come out in early June, which I understood to really mean July or early August because record companies have a mental retardation like that with release dates.  Yet the rest of the summer went by unfazed by the idea that this album even had a chance to come out. I let September pass, trying to occupy my mind with anything other then this album. I could think about dying otters for 24 hours of the god damn day for all I cared, as long as that meant taking my focus off of this album. In the meantime I stayed off the Trontastic Thoughts wire, if just to keep my sanity in regards to this masterpiece taking longer time then originally expected. Now just days ago a screw has been found in the tuna.

http://24hourhiphop.com/article.php?id=5404

News broke that Distant Relatives may indeed be scrapped. The label (stupid faggoty ass label bitch hos) is of course the root of the problem.

“Word is even though the album is almost completely recorded it will not see the light of day. The details are still sketchy but from what I’m heareing it has to do with label issues more than anything  being it much more on the Def Jam side, since Nas is still under their paperwork don’t forget.”

These two motherfuckers went on an entire tour together this summer! And now you are trying to tell me that the album isn’t going to hit shelves? If I didn’t know any better I would have to say that Jay is at the bottom of this barrel of camel shit, and it doesn’t even matter that he’s no longer with Def Jam. He puts out a terribly mediocre album that doesn’t get the public reception or appreciation he thinks it deserves, and then mysteriously the greatest album in the history of music gets scrapped? Bullshit I say! I still have faith too much faith in the world and in God to believe that this album will be released, but until then the world will not hear my voice any longer.

I understand the power I possess in the blogosphere, and if I’ve calculated correctly, this album will be out within the next 2 weeks with this formal announcement. The world needs me. What the fuck are you going to do without my opinion on the new Cudi album? What ever will you do without hearing the stories of me meeting the Boston Celtics roster of players? Do you really think the world can stand to not hear about me karate kidding the wall in my living room? To think otherwise is naive. So fire up the sales and marketing squads. This motherfucker is about to hit the shelves, and I’m going to walk my overly white ass over to Best Buy to buy Distant Relatives and give 15 dollars to my African Charity of choice. The world cannot stand not to hear this. Get ready bitches.

Football, we love you

To commemorate the arrival of the football season yet again, we will look at some awesome hits that must reach the light of day because I said they should. Some have to do with football, some don’t. Whatever brah, hits are hits.

Fanning the Flames Known as Drake

Drake does it again,  releasing two bangers within the time span of a week. While Drizzy is making his merge into much more radio based music, but he has not let up one ounce in terms of his dedication to the lyrics. His talent is far beyond anything else the freshmen class has to offer, and I can literally listen to his verses over and over again because they are packed with such awesomeness. The only other thing in the world packed with greatness like this is a Tim Tam, and I’m not in fucking Australia anymore so I’ve decided to erase those things from my mind.

Throwback Joint

I’ve never really understood all of the Wu-Tang hoopla, but I’m making an honest effort to try. I give the purple tape serious respect due to the consistent sound it has throughout, RZA’s beat making style just doesn’t really tickle my fancy. Oh well, different strokes for different folks I suppose. Regardless, Knowledge God is a hip hop classic, and if you don’t know it then that’s why I’m here. You can honestly never go wrong when you have someone doing coke at the start of one of your songs. It’s like adopting a cat, something that is just never ever a bad decision.

Welcome back Football

I thought it would be fitting that since September starts in a day, and thus football ushers its way into every males heart in America, that I would bring to you two of the best plays to ever happen in the history of football. The first is the Music City Miracle which took place in none other then Tennekey during the wildcard playoff round in the year 2k. The second I’ll just let speak for itself. T.O. will suck wherever he goes. I’m on the record as saying that and we all know it’s a fact. Buffalo doesn’t stand a flying fucking chance against his god awfulness.

Cheating man becomes a cone

Washington DC (aka the Murder Capital of America),

http://www.illawarramercury.com.au/news/world/world/general/cheating-husband-wears-sign-at-busy-intersection/1608797.aspx

So I meant to post on this a few days ago but just missed my opportunity due to my busy schedule of working out and beating off. Therefore officially this is no longer “news” and many of you have probably heard it, but if you haven’t then I’ll be proud to enlighten you. So in Washington DC this man cheated on his wife, something that literally everyone in the world does (don’t you lie motherfucker, you do). Only problem in this case is that wifey found out and wifey got pissed. But instead of cutting this poor cunt’s dick off, she makes him wear some sign at this busy intersection saying, “I cheated and this is my punishment”. And to prove that this story is literally taking over the world, I posted a link from the newspaper in my third home (behind G-Town and Beverly) which just so happens to be Wollongong fucking Australia. Yes nothing ever happens in Australia, but still it is VERY fucking surprising that this story made it that far across the pond. That’s like a 6114 mile kayak journey from California (this is factual and not fabricated per usual, I looked that shit up). That is fucking far.

Sure this is a creative punishment, but if I’m that bitch I’m still cutting his nuts off. This is not vindication in any way, shape, or form. He couldn’t really laugh because he knew this story was going to be ginormous and cameras were going to be there and shit, but you could see he was really laughing on the inside. He knew he got away with something here and he is thanking God every day hence forward that he still has his two grapefruits. Also, why is he wearing a cone? This isn’t a fucking sign, it basically wraps around his whole body. I don’t know about you but I can’t read shit when all of it’s words are at different depths – I didn’t learn to read books that way. If anything you make this poor fucker hold this sign above his head. That way people can actually read what the fuck it says, and his arms also get tired in the process. I might consider that partial victory. I hate when my arms hurt after bicep days. But that’s sometimes just what the guns need. Plants need water, biceps need that hurtin. Leave it up to a bitch to come up with a creative punishment like this that just doesn’t work. Nice try hunnie, but you can’t drive and you don’t know how to punish people. Stick to the kitchen and kids. You get the K letter and we’ll take the other 25. Let’s call it even.